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So my wife and I are driving home after a company party and because I really like Scotch, she was driving. She doesn't use the indicator when merging and a CSP Trooper lights us up. She pulls over and we get all the stuff ready for the Trooper. He walks up to the window and flips open his ticket book and my wife says, "good evening officer, I bet that you want to sell us tickets to the Colorado State Trooper's Ball."
To which he replies, "no mamm, Colorado State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence ... the Trooper flipped his book closed, said "drive safe" and walked back to his car.
Suppressed laughter is the best kind.
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Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun.
A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, “Mama, I’m soooo hungry, what can we eat?” To which the mama cat, spying the two birds, replied, “How about some… Baskin’ Robins?”
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One enterprising member of the Sioux tribe was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others charged. Upon examining his dolls, they found that where hardwood was traditionally used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that they were really just Cheap Sioux Veneers.
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http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borow...osing-congress
Would be funnier if you didn't have the suspicion that this has in reality crossed his mind.
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An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
“But” said the Scotsman. “I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.”
“Well.” said the Englishman “At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.”
“Ahhh that’s nothin’” said the Irishman “Back home in Dublin there’s Ryan’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.Then when you’ve had enough drink they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman’s claims.
He swears every word is true.
“Well” said the Englishman “Did this actually happen to you?”
“Not myself personally no” said the Irishman, “But it did happen to my sister.”
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A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".
The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'".
Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."
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SOME WORDS OF TRUTH:
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims -
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your bottom with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive and don't forward it,
You may be a Muslim.
