Joke of the Day

Contracted pneumonia and then had the heart attack.

Man walks into a bar, and the sign says free drinks all night if you can reach the meat hanging from the top of the ceiling.

But, the bartender says, " If you fail to reach the meat, you have to buy rounds for the rest of the bar for the rest of the night."

The guy looks up at the ceiling and says "Nah,.........the steaks are too high".

A mans grandmother had been feeling ill recently, and had been admitted into the hospital for further evaluation.

During the diagnosis and further testing, she had taken a turn for the worst....and had become unresponsive, but still alive.

When the doctor addressed the man about her latest condition, he said that it had become clear that his Grandmothers brain had no further activity at all, but her heart was still beating.

The man paused, and said...oh dear Lord!.......we've never had a Democrat in the family before.

A female deer walks out of the woods. She stops, looks behind her, and says “I’ll never do that for two bucks again”,

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

A couple took a trip to the Holy Land and the husband decided to invite his mother-in-law.
Before they even got there she was already complaining about the long flight and he knew he was in for a long trip.
For two weeks they visited every major site from the bible.
They walked the path that Jesus walked from where he was born in the manger to the tomb where the stone was rolled away.
On one of the last days there the couple received some bad news from the hotel manager.
A housekeeper had found the mother-in-law in her room dead of a heart attack.
The manager informed them that they could take care of the arrangements and bury her in the holy land for only $200.00.
If they decided to take her back to the U.S. the expense of preparing the body for the trip and the flight would run about $5,000.00.
The husband said he would think about it and let him know the next day.
The next day the hotel manager saw the husband in the lobby and asked him if he had made a decision.
"I decided to take her back home for the $5,000.00" He told the manager.
"That's fine" said the manager "But do you mind me asking why since we can do it here for just $200.00".
"Well I've been thinking about it", said the husband,
"And in the two weeks that we've been here all I've heard about was this man that they crucified and buried and then three days later he arose from the grave.
For $4800.00 I'm not willing to take that chance!"

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A convenience store needed to replace the fence on the back of the property so the owner called three contractors in to bid on it.
When they arrived he noticed each vehicle was from a different state.
He didn't think anything of it and took them around back to make a bid.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ''Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ''Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ''$2,700.''
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, ''You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?''
''Easy,'' he said. ''$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.''

On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.

"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.

Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass.

It was called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier"

A game warden stops a poacher walking along the beach and tells him he's going to fine him for taking lobsters without a permit.
The poacher tells the warden the two lobsters in his hands are his pets and he was just taking them for a walk.
"Nonsense," says the game warden.
"It's true, it's not against the law to walk your pets along the beach, is it?" asks the man. "I send them into the surf for a swim and when I whistle they come back to me".
"I've got to see this; show me." says the game warden.
So the man tosses both lobsters into the ocean and the game warden says, "Okay, now let's hear you whistle for your lobsters to swim back to you."
"Lobsters?" asks the poacher, "What lobsters?"