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President Trump is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a assassin steps forward and aims a gun at him.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald, duck!”
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
Dad jokes:
(This one is better said than read, but...)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
(Here you go Star Wars fans)
I grilled up a wookie last night; it was Chewie.
Eighty years after Little Big Horn, an East Coast journalist began research on George Armstrong Custer. A friend told him that an Indian who lived through that experience was still living and furthermore remembered EVERY event of his long life.
The journalist visited Chief Big Eagle, who now lived in a small town in Pennsylvania. When he arrived and stated his purpose, the Chief agreed to answer his questions.
"On what day of the week did the event take place?" the reporter asked.
"Wednesday," replied the chief.
"What was Custer wearing?"
"Black uniform ... ceremony sword ... old hat."
"What did Custer eat for breakfast?"
"Eggs." The journalist was skeptical and figured anyone could make up these answers. He left and never published his article.
Ten years later, the journalist was driving through the same small town. He decided to see if the old chief was still living. To his surprise, the chief was.
As the journalist walked in, he raised his hand in the air to the chief and said, "How!"
The chief replied, "Over easy, potatoes on the side."
The Lawyer--
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy it .
He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie).
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes, and the price was right.
The agent asked:"How many children do you have?”
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words, and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number... and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem. ”
Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem. ”
"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"
Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing.
And you only call me when you want something.
And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.
You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet.
It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!
And do you ever take me for a decent walk?
NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home.
Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!
I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"
Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."
A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.
The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.
What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz?
Cheese was.
Did you know that Star Trek's Spock actually had three ears?
He had a left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.