Help with a child in school.

[Lurch]

My daughter is having a hard time in a couple of classes getting things done. She started middle school this year and we figured we would let her have a little more rope so to speak. Well she has gone and hung herself with it a couple of times and I have tried everything from yelling, grounding, and trying to help her anyway I can to no avail. She seemed to be getting better once again she is falling into the same issues. She forgets work assignments (even though I told her to write them down) and doesn't study for quizzes and has gotten some pretty bad grades.

Now here is the big problem I had some very serious health problems which pretty much screwed her out of her spring break and summer vacation. So we decided to go to Disney World after Christmas break to make it up to her and for the family to enjoy my good health again. I have threaten her with not going if she doesn't get her grades up and now I'm facing the fact I may have to leave her at home which I really don't want to do.

So any ideas on how to help her figure out this whole you need to study and actually do the work to get good grades or is it time she learns to pay the piper for her actions?

[Sparky]

First do not make a threat that you are not prepared to follow through on. It would suck for her to not get to go to Disney, but it would be a lesson she will never forget. Second I went and talked to all my kids teachers and volunteered her to stay after school to get all her work turned in. She may not get credit for the late work, but you are showing her she will have to turn them in regardless. No slacking in school from this dad. Good luck.

[cstone]

Never threaten anyone, especially your kids. Calmly explaining that every action has consequences, explaining the consequences for poor performance and then following through on those consequences is one of the toughest parts of being a Dad. Often I feel like I am the one being punished for the actions of my children. I remind myself that this is the curse of being a grown up.

If you don't want to cancel the trip, you could let your daughter know that she will be doing homework while she is at Disney with the rest of the family. That prospect should be horrifying for anyone. It would be tough on you, but if those are the consequences, then better to pay and learn now than pay later when the consequences are even greater.

Just a thought, have you talked to your daughter about her plans for her life? I've found that if you can tie the motivation into the kids desire, they often will step up their game. Growing up is not a linear, constant process. Some days, weeks, months, years, are better than others. Consistency and determination in the face of fear, frustration and downright stupidity is how I look at parenting. We somehow survived and our parents did not make all the right decisions. Some kids never get it and they end up going down a horrible road. Most kids, including most of us (20, 30, or even 40 years ago) somehow made it to where we are today. Maybe not as successful as we or our parents had hoped, but we are here and we are doing the best that we can. Teaching our children that there are many ways to measure success is just part of the process.

Keep up the good work Dad!

Be safe.

Mine are 23, 21, and 15, and yes, the 15 year old is a daughter and I feel your pain

[ray1970]

Been through the whole thing with a girl and a boy. It's stressful and it sucks. Take away everything they love, make their lives miserable, that's about all you can do. They will hate you for it for many years. But, if it gets them through school, it will be worth it in the end. When they are older they will understand why you did what you did and will be grateful you cared enough to try to help them through. Mine hated me and wishes I was dead. They both graduated high school and the girl currently works in collections and the boy is working towards his journeyman electrician certification. What I did didn't scar them for life or screw them up. Today, they are 25 and 22 years old and have thanked me countless times for doing what I had to do to keep them in line and focus on graduating.

[ChadAmberg]

Here's what my parents did to me about the same time in life, when I started slacking off and getting bad grades. I was either: In school, in bed, doing chores, or at the dining room table doing schoolwork. For about a year until I got my act back together. From the minute I got home from school until I went to bed. All weekend long. If I was done any homework, I'd be doing things they came up with, book reports for them to look at on whatever they came up with, reading, etc. They'd go get used math books from other places and make me do everything in it. Stuff like that. Sucked, but it worked overall.

[Great-Kazoo]

My daughter is having a hard time in a couple of classes getting things done. She started middle school this year and we figured we would let her have a little more rope so to speak. Well she has gone and hung herself with it a couple of times and I have tried everything from yelling, grounding, and trying to help her anyway I can to no avail. She seemed to be getting better once again she is falling into the same issues. She forgets work assignments (even though I told her to write them down) and doesn't study for quizzes and has gotten some pretty bad grades.

Now here is the big problem I had some very serious health problems which pretty much screwed her out of her spring break and summer vacation. So we decided to go to Disney World after Christmas break to make it up to her and for the family to enjoy my good health again. I have threaten her with not going if she doesn't get her grades up and now I'm facing the fact I may have to leave her at home which I really don't want to do.

So any ideas on how to help her figure out this whole you need to study and actually do the work to get good grades or is it time she learns to pay the piper for her actions?

No computer or cell phone unless it is school or after school activities related. 2 days tops and they are lost without the whole social networking.
You messed up by putting a hollow threat which , it appears you cannot enforce. that now makes you the weakest link. Why should she be concerned about penalties, when Disneyland was a go.

[Lurch]

Well we all had a talk and she is now grounded from all electronics till Friday at 7 pm. She has to write a note to the teachers (its really only two classes) to see what she can do between now and the end of the semester to get her grades up. Since most of the Disney trip is paid it was foolish for me to threaten her with that so I explained that she would go but will have to do school work while we are there and if the grades go down any further she will be grounded for a month when we get back. So only time will tell now.

[Great-Kazoo]

Well we all had a talk and she is now grounded from all electronics till Friday at 7 pm. She has to write a note to the teachers (its really only two classes) to see what she can do between now and the end of the semester to get her grades up. Since most of the Disney trip is paid it was foolish for me to threaten her with that so I explained that she would go but will have to do school work while we are there and if the grades go down any further she will be grounded for a month when we get back. So only time will tell now.

Grounding her will do nothing, unless you remove the social network access, internet, cell ph etc. Instead of the solid month, break it up in to weekends, when the teen interaction takes place. She have any events on the calendar? Those look like the times to be grounded.

[Lurch]

Grounding her will do nothing, unless you remove the social network access, internet, cell ph etc. Instead of the solid month, break it up in to weekends, when the teen interaction takes place. She have any events on the calendar? Those look like the times to be grounded.

She is grounded from all electronics, television, phone, computer, and tablet. Unless used for school work.

[def90]

Sounds like ADD.. I have it. Even at 43 remembering things or concentrating on what you need to do without an outside stimulant is difficult. For me it was mt dew
/ heavy caffeine.. at some point my mind would stop wandering and I would be able to focus. People think that ADD is imaginary but I can tell you that it is very real. I'm the text book case, fall asleep in school, forget assignments or wait until 2:00 am the night before they are due to finish them.

Threats will not work, ask me how I know, you need to find the mechanism that will motivate or inspire them to do what they need to do vs what they want to do. As a business owner I struggle with this all the time. I had meds a couple years ago and they accomplished what they were supposed to do 100%.. I don't take them now simply because I don't want to go through the process that it takes to get them prescribed, if i did I would have much more productive days that's for sure.

sent from a soup can and some string..