Joke of the Day

[BladesNBarrels]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I didn't!”

[flogger]

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

Half way.

[flogger]

Hello.... is this mic working.....?

[Gman]

Maybe it was 'too soon'?

Some of them made it all the way, just not on the Titanic.

[BladesNBarrels]

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you.
So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"

[bradbn4]

got a few odd e-mails from work Fri -

The company has a lot of world wide connections and they said they had a Covid vaccine I could take so I just received the Russian Covid vaccine today and so far I have no side efectoski secundarioski Президент Российской Федерации; Президент россии.

АК-47 неплохая винтовка, ар-15 не очень.

[brutal]

got a few odd e-mails from work Fri -

The company has a lot of world wide connections and they said they had a Covid vaccine I could take so I just received the Russian Covid vaccine today and so far I have no side efectoski secundarioski Президент Российской Федерации; Президент россии.

АК-47 неплохая винтовка, ар-15 не очень.

nyuck nyuck

[copfish]

American History Review circa 2020:
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good!

Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.

"Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F___ the Japs." "Who said that? I want to know right now!" ...she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The American public if Joe Biden gets elected."

[BladesNBarrels]

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and
entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in
charge of the hops.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while
a crow only has 16.
The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his
own incision?
Suture self.

[BladesNBarrels]

Memory Test



1) Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2) There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3) Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4) How much dirt is there in a hole... that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5) What word in the English Language... is always spelled incorrectly?

6) Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7) In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8) What was the President's Name...in 1975?

9) If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10) Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11) If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?