Joke of the Day

[funkfool]

The wife & I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote & was switching back and forth between a Fishing channel & the Porn channel.


She became more & more annoyed & finally said: "Oh for cryin’ out loud!! Leave the damn TV on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"

[spyder]

Three strangers awaiting their flights strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East who is headed to a training conference in Detroit.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim who supports Osama Bin Laden's Jihad, so the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still . . . no plane comes.

Finally, ! the American Indian clears his throat and softly, he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'."

+1

[Mtn.man]

The 3rd grade class was having a Tell about Your Parents day.

Everyone told about their Firemen dads, nurse moms etc.

When it was Billy's turn, He got up in front of the class and said I want to tell about my mom.

She was a pilot during the Iraq war, and was flying her plane when it got shot down.
She ejected out with only her pistol, a knife and a flask of whiskey.
On the way to the ground she saw that she was going to land in a group of 15 enemy soldiers, so she drank the whiskey, hit the ground killed 10 with her pistol, 4 with her knife till it broke, and the last one with her bare hands. Thats my story of my mom.

OH My said the teacher that is quite a story.
And what do you think the moral is here Billy?

Dad says Don't Fuck with Mom when she's been drinking.

[275RLTW]

[sniper7]

I have got that in an email before too! too damn funny!

[Bailey Guns]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for
being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault
lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to
play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing
Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost..

[cstone]

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' T-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest.. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between republican loggers and democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?

[StagLefty]

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you ???

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you ???

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.



Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise ??? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound ???

Employee: Great !!! It's a deal !!! Thank you, sir !!!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you ???

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company !!!

[ronaldrwl]

Good one StagLefty

[opie011]

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation,for fear it would turn to politics.As the barbers finished their shaves,the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying,No thanks,my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.The second barber turned to Bush and said,How about you sir ? Bush replied,Go ahead,my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.