Joke of the Day

[Samurai]

Haha that is pretty awesome. Totally works!!

[Bailey Guns]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small aircraft.

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone and yelled, "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had a heart attack. He’s dead. I grabbed his cell phone because he told me before we took off he had the tower on speed dial. I’m flying upside down at 8,000 feet and our airspeed is 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down. We hear you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Try to remain calm!!".

He began his series of questions.

Tower: "How do you know you’re at 8,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 8,000 feet on the altimeter”.

Tower: "Okay, that’s good. How do you know your airspeed is 180 mph??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed indicator".

Tower: "Okay, that’s good. Are the instruments telling you you’re upside down?"

Aircraft: "No! I know because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."

[Ripper]

Bawahaaaaaa

[Ranger353]

Excellent!

[BladesNBarrels]

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".
The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'".
Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."

[wctriumph]

So my wife and I are driving home after a company party and because I really like Scotch, she was driving. She doesn't use the indicator when merging and a CSP Trooper lights us up. She pulls over and we get all the stuff ready for the Trooper. He walks up to the window and flips open his ticket book and my wife says, "good evening officer, I bet that you want to sell us tickets to the Colorado State Trooper's Ball."

To which he replies, "no mamm, Colorado State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence ... the Trooper flipped his book closed, said "drive safe" and walked back to his car.

Suppressed laughter is the best kind.

[henpecked]

Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun.
A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, “Mama, I’m soooo hungry, what can we eat?” To which the mama cat, spying the two birds, replied, “How about some… Baskin’ Robins?”

[henpecked]

One enterprising member of the Sioux tribe was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others charged. Upon examining his dolls, they found that where hardwood was traditionally used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that they were really just Cheap Sioux Veneers.

[Duman]

[Dave]

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borow...osing-congress

Would be funnier if you didn't have the suspicion that this has in reality crossed his mind.