Joke of the Day

[O2HeN2]

"My greatest fear is that when I die my wife will sell my guns for what I told her I paid for them..."

O2

Ps. Sorry if it's a repeat, can't read all 462 previous replies...

[brutal]

How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

haha, I had to look that three times. derp

[Mtn.man]

BREAKING NEWS


Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew.
This announcement followed Gordon 's decision to take advantage of President Obama's stimulus scheme for employing Black Harlem teenagers. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how welfare drawing black street gangs from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon 's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars' worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be politically correct and a bold move by Gordon 's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.







UPDATE:
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced black crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had repainted it, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt, Jr., for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed and some photos of Jeff Gordon 's wife in the shower

[GilpinGuy]

The Dancing Lady

She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no, i never did dance...Never really wanted to." a crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.

The old woman prospector not wanting to get her toe blown off -- started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no m'am ... But... I've always wanted to."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with older women; they didn't get older by being stupid.

[wctriumph]

What is the difference between a Technician and a Mechanic?

One washes his hands before he goes to the bathroom.

[Zundfolge]

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States. Act like one.

[Duman]

[<MADDOG>]

[SuperiorDG]

Soon to be deleted ^^^^

[MOD: Yep]

[GilpinGuy]

Soon to be deleted ^^^^

Perhaps. I don't watch Letterman, but was told this was on his show. Maybe, maybe not.