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A blonde sees a house on fire, so she dials 911.
Operator: "Hello, what's your emergency?"
Blonde: "There's a house on fire! Send the fire department!"
Operator: "How do we get there?"
Blonde: "Well, DUH! Big red truck! "
Not really a joke, but a comment I saw on a board today and got a chuckle out of:
I once made a comment to my dad about how it's a lot harder for a lady to pee off the side of a boat. He said, "Oh, it's impossible for a lady. But some females can pull it off"
Not the best written joke...
But the next time you see someone wearing a corduroy jacket or pair of pants, get their attention, point at the article of clothing that's in question, and state "did you know that was Helen Keller's favorite color?"
A Californian, a Texan and an Oregonian are on a camping trip. The Californian takes a bottle of chardonnay from his backpack and takes a swig from it, then tosses it into the air and blows it apart with a Glock. The Texan and Oregonian protest and the Californian says: We have that stuff coming out our ears, it's no big deal.
The Texan, not to be outdone, produces a bottle of premium tequila, takes a drink then throws it into the air and blasts it to pieces with a revolver. He says: Got tons of it it, no big deal.
The Oregonian chugs a bottle of IPA, then takes a shotgun from his backpack and blows the Californian away. The Texan stares at him aghast until the Oregonian says: We have lots of those. But this bottle is worth five cents.
Brian H
Longmont CO
"I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do."
^^^^^^^
LOL. That was good for late in the day.
"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking."
George S. Patton
"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both."
Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth."
John F. Kennedy
?A motorcycle is a bicycle with a pandemonium attachment, and is designed for the special use of mechanical geniuses, daredevils and lunatics.?
George Fitch. c 1916.
A family goes to the circus - mom, dad, and their son. The elephant act comes out & the son asks his mom, "Mom, what's that long thing hanging down on the elephant?" His mom says "That's his trunk." "No, I mean the long thing in the back." "That's his tail." "No, the other long thing hanging down in the back, between his legs." Mom says "Uh, that's nothing. I'm going to go get us some sodas." So after she leaves, the kid turns to his dad & says "Dad, what's that long thing hanging down on the elephant? Not his trunk, not his tail, the other long thing hanging down between his legs." His dad says "Oh. Well, that's the elephant's penis." The son says "So how come when I asked Mom what it was, she said it was nothing?" Dad put his arm around his boy & said "Son, I have spoiled that woman."
Brian H
Longmont CO
"I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do."
Chester tried out for a bit part in a broadway bound musical. His brother got him an audition. "Look, it's easy" said the brother "you only have one line, here it is" "Hark, the cannons roar".
Chester auditioned and he got the bit part. He faithfully attended every rehearsal. Delivered his line, right on time.
On the day of the premiere Chester oversleeps.
He runs to the theater, the guy at the stage door stops him, asks "who are you?" Chester says "I'm 'hard, the cannons roar'" Oh my gosh, get in to make up right away, you're late!"
Chester goes to make up, gets in costume, then goes to the stage manager. "Who are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm 'hark, the cannons roar" answers Chester. "Great you are on in 5 seconds, get out there"
Chester runs on stage, right on cue. All of a sudden a tremendous BOOM comes from the sound system. Chester shouts
"WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT???"
Brian H
Longmont CO
"I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do."
A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That's a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked. The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question.
He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."
Feedback: https://www.ar-15.co/threads/151613-izzy
Oh fuck, that got meOriginally Posted by izzy
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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