Joke of the Day

[BladesNBarrels]

A convenience store needed to replace the fence on the back of the property so the owner called three contractors in to bid on it.
When they arrived he noticed each vehicle was from a different state.
He didn't think anything of it and took them around back to make a bid.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ''Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ''Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ''$2,700.''
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, ''You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?''
''Easy,'' he said. ''$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.''

[BladesNBarrels]

On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.

"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.

Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass.

It was called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier"

[BladesNBarrels]

A game warden stops a poacher walking along the beach and tells him he's going to fine him for taking lobsters without a permit.
The poacher tells the warden the two lobsters in his hands are his pets and he was just taking them for a walk.
"Nonsense," says the game warden.
"It's true, it's not against the law to walk your pets along the beach, is it?" asks the man. "I send them into the surf for a swim and when I whistle they come back to me".
"I've got to see this; show me." says the game warden.
So the man tosses both lobsters into the ocean and the game warden says, "Okay, now let's hear you whistle for your lobsters to swim back to you."
"Lobsters?" asks the poacher, "What lobsters?"

[BladesNBarrels]

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.
"Me too," says the ostrich.
The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."
Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[jslo]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the birds mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the birds vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing he had hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the birds attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[OtterbatHellcat]

Nice....!

[JohnTRourke]

What did Socialists use before candles ?






.... Electricity.

[DOC]

Thats a good one. And sad too.

[flogger]

Does that go for Progressives too?

This is a great joke, short, dark and real. Consider it stolen.

[OtterbatHellcat]

......