Joke of the Day

[sampson]

A couple took a trip to the Holy Land and the husband decided to invite his mother-in-law.
Before they even got there she was already complaining about the long flight and he knew he was in for a long trip.
For two weeks they visited every major site from the bible.
They walked the path that Jesus walked from where he was born in the manger to the tomb where the stone was rolled away.
On one of the last days there the couple received some bad news from the hotel manager.
A housekeeper had found the mother-in-law in her room dead of a heart attack.
The manager informed them that they could take care of the arrangements and bury her in the holy land for only $200.00.
If they decided to take her back to the U.S. the expense of preparing the body for the trip and the flight would run about $5,000.00.
The husband said he would think about it and let him know the next day.
The next day the hotel manager saw the husband in the lobby and asked him if he had made a decision.
"I decided to take her back home for the $5,000.00" He told the manager.
"That's fine" said the manager "But do you mind me asking why since we can do it here for just $200.00".
"Well I've been thinking about it", said the husband,
"And in the two weeks that we've been here all I've heard about was this man that they crucified and buried and then three days later he arose from the grave.
For $4800.00 I'm not willing to take that chance!"

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[BladesNBarrels]

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.
"Me too," says the ostrich.
The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."
Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[jslo]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the birds mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the birds vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing he had hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the birds attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[OtterbatHellcat]

Nice....!

[JohnTRourke]

What did Socialists use before candles ?






.... Electricity.

[DOC]

Thats a good one. And sad too.

[flogger]

Does that go for Progressives too?

This is a great joke, short, dark and real. Consider it stolen.

[OtterbatHellcat]

......

[William]

lol

[jslo]

Not really sure if this belongs in the joke section. Mods feel free to move to its proper place.