Joke of the Day

[brutal]

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a PAIR of 22's.

[sniper7]

What's the difference between a Ford truck and a Tampon?

the tampon comes with it's own tow rope to get pulled out.

[GilpinGuy]

Six undeniable Facts of Life...


1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but remember that the best moments in life are enjoyed without any clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser.Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

6. ‎Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[Mtn.man]

FOX News reported today that Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White" has been canceled. All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes. They also say they damn sure have no intention of singing, "It's off to work we go."

[Mtn.man]

[GilpinGuy]

I can talk about infinity forever.

[TFOGGER]

[Mtn.man]

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.“Oh my God,” said the Queen, “that’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?”The Doctor leading the tour explains; “I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with
semen. If he doesn’t do that 5 times a day, they’ll explode, and he would die instantly.”“Oh, I am sorry,” said the Queen.On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.“Oh my God,” said the Queen, “what’s happening in there?”The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”

[stodg73]

I got this in an email, so...

BEWARE THIS CONTAINS A LITTLE BIT OF SALTY LANGUAGE,

BUT I LAUGHED SO HARD I HAD TO SHARE.

Life Changing Experience with my Electric fence - hysterical.



Electric fences

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one, you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.


If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is FUNNY ....and true.


This was sent by a retired dentist. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries
increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the
top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in
mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one
with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time, I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't l
et go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.
At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in
poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die....Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and
remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day....
he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later
on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[buffalobo]

Funny as hell. There is another one where a guy buys a tazer for his wife and tries it out on himself.