Joke of the Day

[brutal]

Little Johnny Thinks Politics

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive Salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very Good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ......

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." "They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog poop!'"

Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a Toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something crappy, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts. Bless his heart.

[brutal]

This is why you should never take your wife to the state fair.

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[HoneyBadger]

A young serviceman was assigned to guard the entrance to the White House. One morning a man approached and asked to speak to the president, Hillary Clinton. The serviceman, somewhat confused, responded that Mrs. Clinton wasn't the President. The man promptly left. The following day, the same serviceman was approached by the same man asking to speak with the president, Hillary Clinton. The serviceman replied, "Sir, I told you yesterday Mrs. Clinton isn't the President." The man left without further words. On the morning of day three the man again approached the serviceman and asked the to speak with the President, Hillary Clinton. The serviceman responded with professional annoyance, "Sir, I've told you twice before and again right now, Hillary isn't the President! Why do you keep asking me the same question?" "Just to make sure she isn't President," the visitor replies. "See you tomorrow, sir" said the serviceman.

[OldFogey]

Ted was a cowboy. Ted HATED English lit. Ted also had a girl friend who wanted him to have more culture so he was in English lit. Ted also didn't care much for the class dweeb who always had answers for the questions. One day in class the professor assigned everyone a short poem including the word "Timbuktu". Ted's thinking "Timbuktu? Are you shitting me?" When he sees the dweeb scribbling furiously away. Ted thinks "Screw this! I'll show everyone I can write poetry, too!". Despite Ted's best efforts the dweeb finishes first and raises his hand. The professor asks him to stand and read his poem :

Across the burning desert sands came two Arab caravans, camels laden, two-by-two, destination - Timbuktu!.

The professor congratulated him and noticed that Ted had his hand up and called on him. Ted stood and cleared his throat.

"Tim and I a-hunting went. We spied three hookers in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two."

[RblDiver]

(Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere, NSFW)


When the body was first created, all of the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain around and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit.

Moral of the story: You don't need a brain to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

[brutal]

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

[TFOGGER]

[davsel]

How to give a cat a pill:


1. - Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. - Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. - Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4. - Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. - Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.


6. - Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.


7. - Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


8. - Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.


9. - Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. - Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. - Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. - Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.


13. - Tie the little @!!@#@#$%’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. - Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15. - Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

[davsel]

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able
to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month
to the doctor and the doctor said,
‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will three times!’


Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says:
‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’


An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives
left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we
went out to a new restaurant and it was really great...
I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules,
he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’


A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that.
You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream.
I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’
A man was telling his neighbor,
‘I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty..’


Maurice , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down
the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Maurice replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc:
‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’’
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said,
‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’


A little old man shuffled slowly into
an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly,
painfully, up onto a stool …
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

[Mazin]