Joke of the Day

[Erni]

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!'

ROTFLOL

[JohnTRourke]

Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble.

“Penny,” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. “Who created the universe?”

When she didn’t stir, Jimmy, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil.

“God Almighty!” shouted Penny, and the teacher said, “Very good.”

A while later the teacher asked “Penny, who is our savior?” But again Penny didn’t stir from her slumber.

Jimmy poked her again with his pencil. “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Penny.

“Very well done,” said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm.

Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, Jimmy jabbed her with the pencil.

This time Penny jumped up and shouted, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR A**!!”

The teacher fainted.

[hurley842002]

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender nervously replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the nun asked.

"Well, there is a life-size statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender pointed to the door, and she proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She walked up to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, because now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

[JohnTRourke]

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

[Zach O]

^^ I laughed harder than I probably should have...

[BladesNBarrels]

One day a boy saw a farmer selling a donkey for $100.00. The boy told the farmer he would pay the money if the farmer could deliver it to his house. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day but when he arrived at the boy's house there was no donkey. He told the boy that the donkey died during the night. Saddened, the boy asked for his money back. "I'm afraid I have already spent the money." the farmer said. "Well, then just give me the donkey." said the boy. "What are you going to do with a dead donkey?" asked the farmer. The boy told the farmer he would think of something, so the farmer delivered the donkey the next day.

The next month the farmer saw the boy and asked him what he ever did with the donkey. "I made $895.00 off of that thing." the boy said. " How could you make that much money off of a dead donkey?" the farmer wanted to know. The boy said, "I didn't tell anyone he was dead at first. I just put up signs around town that said I was going to raffle off a beautiful donkey for raffle tickets that cost $5.00 and I sold 200 tickets." "Wait a minute", said the farmer, "you said you made $895.00 but if you sold 200 tickets at $5.00 each that's $1,000.00. After you subtract the $100.00 you paid me you should have made $900.00". "You're right", said the boy, "But when the winner found out the donkey was dead he was a little upset so I gave him his money back." (The boy grew up and became the CEO of Enron.)

[GilpinGuy]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
>
> The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
>
> The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.
>
> General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bhang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
>
> Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
>
> Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
>
> According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings can be attributed to Rosie O'Donnell and Maxine Waters; many more Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit  packages.

[OtterbatHellcat]

Comedian Ralphie May died today....that sucks, he was a funny dude.

[crays]

Comedian Ralphie May died today....that sucks, he was a funny dude.

BOO...
Ralphie had some funny material.

I'm going to assume heart attack?

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[Duman]

Damn....