Joke of the Day

[Bailey Guns]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[brutal]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[GilpinGuy]

[TheGrey]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

ROFLMAO!

[BladesNBarrels]

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 -- but then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. The officer said, "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[Bailey Guns]

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?", asked the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you need to borrow one. Or I can give my Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment then said, "Yeah...you'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

[Bailey Guns]

Little boy comes down to breakfast. Because they live on a farm, his mother asks whether he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off. He goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken; so, you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig; so, you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow; so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and asks, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[BladesNBarrels]

One night, my husband, Lee, a retired Army colonel, was watching a program on TV about paratroopers. As a D-Day jumper began to comment, my husband exclaimed, "That's Jack Norton! I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him."

After a few minutes of silence, Lee quietly remarked, "You know you're getting old when your friends start showing up on the History Channel!"

[OtterbatHellcat]

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?




The wheelchair.

[GilpinGuy]

My wife and I were happy for 20 years.








Then we met.