Question: What kind of key opens a banana?
A monkey.

I wrote a book about reverse psychology. Please don-t buy it.

"It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Question: What kind of house does Fonzie live in?
An Ayyyyeee frame.

A magician is driving down the street... ...and turns into a driveway.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Question: Why do trees have so many friends?
They branch out

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger at the grocery store, and it was hard to resist asking him to say one of his famous movie lines... but...
I played it cool and casually asked him if he knew where they stock the eggs.
He said, "Aisle B, back."

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter:
"Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife.
"Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."