Joke of the Day

[Gman]

Not to mention a wonderful job they did on the topiaries

Nice pair, too. One on each side.

[MrPrena]

Attachment 81497

Nice S8.

[Gman]

[Gman]

[BladesNBarrels]

Question: What kind of key opens a banana?
A monkey.

I wrote a book about reverse psychology. Please don-t buy it.

"It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Question: What kind of house does Fonzie live in?
An Ayyyyeee frame.

A magician is driving down the street... ...and turns into a driveway.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Question: Why do trees have so many friends?
They branch out

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger at the grocery store, and it was hard to resist asking him to say one of his famous movie lines... but...
I played it cool and casually asked him if he knew where they stock the eggs.
He said, "Aisle B, back."

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter:
"Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife.
"Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

[Gman]

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whisky, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[brutal]

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whisky, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[BladesNBarrels]

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.
The director of the group said, Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently.
Hmm? said the manager. And are you sure you having nothing else to add?

Well, yes, said the member.

I lie extensively.

[BladesNBarrels]

Question: Why do green beans meditate?
To find inner peas!

My friends gave me the nickname Mr. Compromise
It's not my first choice..
but I'm ok with it.

You can never trust an atom...
they make up everything.

Question: Why don't penguins go to The U.K.?
Because they're afraid of Wales!

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Question: Why is dark spelled with the letter K?
Because you can't c in the dark!

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden.
She denied it.
The plot thickens...

Question: How come ants never get sick?
Because of their anty bodies!

I finally finished writing a book on penguins!
In hindsight it would have been easier to do it on paper...

.

[MrPrena]

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whisky, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Ouch!!!