Joke of the Day

[Bailey Guns]

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO’S ‘WHO’S ON FIRST’ ……updated version.

Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’
Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’
Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’
Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Yes.’
Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’
Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’
Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’
Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’
Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’
Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look. I’m not sick.
Bud: ‘Ok.’
Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’
Bud: ‘That’s right.’
Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Certainly.’
Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’
Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’
Lou: ‘Nevermind. I’ll just put on my mask.’
Bud: ‘That’s fine.’
Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’
Bud: ‘Absolutely not?’
Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’
Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.’
Bud: ‘I know.’
Lou: So why can’t I come in here today with a mask? ….If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’
Bud: ‘Take it easy buddy.’
Lou: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’
Bud: ‘No, it’s still good.’
Lou: ‘But I can’t come in?’
Bud: ‘Correct.’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’
Lou: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick!!’
Bud: ‘You can still get them sick.’
Lou: ‘So then masks don’t work!’
Bud: ‘Masks work quite well.’
Lou: ‘So how in the heck can I get vaccinated people sick if I’m not sick and masks work?’
Bud: ‘Third base.’

[William]

A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. Everyone in my rank has gotten some kind of promotion or recognition besides me. It has been the same never ending hell of a rut for a mere two decades! Two I tell you doc! By god, when I lay down to rest my tired eyes after a long day of welding and clanking, and operating, and steering, and weeping- I not once but twice a night look over to my bedside to find a gun. A gun lying beside me just waiting for me (a lonely man) to finally end the charade to which I keep living on and on- repeating the vicious cycle I call my life. Doc, I am depressed!”

“Well, Jesus!” Says the Podiatrist. It seems like you need some serious help! But I am a podiatrist. What you need is a psychiatrist to help you!”

“Yeah. I know that, doc”. The moth says.

“So what the hell are you doing in here?” The Podiatrist asks.

“Because” the moth exclaims. “Your light was on.”

[TFOGGER]

[ChadAmberg]

Gun Sales Aptitude Test:
1. A professionally-dressed woman steps up to the counter. You should:
A. Wait for her husband to come in from parking the car so you can ask him what he needs.
B. Say "What you need here, li'l lady, is this here pink .38 with the pearl grips and gold trim. Ain't it purty?"
C. Keep talking to Cletus the Assistant Manager about that used bass boat you bought.
2. A customer asks "I notice you don't have the Blastomatic 2000x in stock. Can I special order one?" Your answer should be:
A. No.
B. No.
C. Keep talking to Cletus the Assistant Manager about that used bass boat you bought.
3. A customer is examining a used Remchester deer rifle. He looks like he might have a technical question. You immediately:
A. Interrupt him with a long and pointless tale about how you used one just like it as a SEAL sniper in Vietnam.
B. Inform him that those guns are junk and got all your buddies killed when you were a Marine sniper in Vietnam.
C. Keep talking to Cletus the Assistant Manager about that used bass boat you bought.

[BushMasterBoy]

I won the Democrat Medal of Honor when I served during the war at Sum Yung Dik offensive near the Miso Honi River.
I worked undercover disguised as a waitress at a small cafe receiving top enemy information and then escaping through enemy lines. I was then temporarily assigned foreign duty in England and served with the British Thermal Unit until things got hot. Transferred back stateside for more training. Stationed in Kentucky under Colonel Sanders. I was then assigned as commanding officer of the oceanic garbage ship, the USS Bill Clinton while she was in drydock.
Then I went to Seal Counterintelligence Underwater Mine school for S.C.U.M. training. I was the #1 SCUM in my graduating class and was given the Seal of Counterintelligence Underwater Mine Brotherhood of American GI's (SCUMBAG) Award.
I was sent to Afghanistan undercover as a pig farmer selling defective mini missiles disguised as super-sized sausages. Business went well especially with the female insurgents until one blew up in my hand while demonstrating how to hide it while transporting. She did not survive. I was awarded 5 Purple Hearts for my hand injuries.
I was taken to a secret base in Saudi where I flew a F-35 stealth to the Arabian Sea and landed on a submarine which took me to an undisclosed location for treatment and recuperation. As a result of my mission and injuries, I decided to retire and won my second Democrat Medal of Honor.
All this would be extremely difficult to verify as my career was highly classified and my records were permanently sealed and then destroyed by the CIA

[Vic Tory]

GEEZ. I posted one, but then I saw someone else posted it ... two years ago.

I'm so current...!

[BladesNBarrels]

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do," said Shawn.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

[Vic Tory]

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

Good one! You got me.

[ray1970]

Johnny and Timmy are getting ready for school one morning when Johnny says to Timmy that he thinks today is the day that they should start trying to use curse words.

The boys head into the kitchen where their mom greets them and asks what they would like for breakfast before heading off to school.

Little Johnny looks his mom in the eyes and says ?I want fruit loops, bitch.?

In an instant, mom delivered a mighty blow knocking Johnny out of his chair and onto the ground in tears.

Mom looked to Timmy and said ?and what would you like for breakfast??

Timmy said ?well, I certainly won?t be having the fucking fruit loops.?

[Great-Kazoo]

Know the difference between the Titanic and CNN?


The titanic, went down with all it's anchors