Joke of the Day

[henpecked]

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is atthe Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates areclosed,and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,it is certainly good to see you.. We have heard a lot about you. I musttell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have beenadministeringan entrance examination to everyone. The test is short, but you have topass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure isgood to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about anyentranceexam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.Life was a big enough testas it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, Iknow, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:What two days of the weekbegin with the letter T?

Second:How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questionsover. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, andsays, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, thefirst one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide andhe exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you dohave a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you creditfor that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk aboutthat, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve secondsin a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there'sgot to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to giveyou credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and finalquestion.Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperatedand frustrated St Peter.'Ok, I can understand how youcame up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiestone of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,to get some humor out of life,and to pass it on to other folks.

[Ronin13]

henpecked, that was a good one, except it would appear if not yours, then whoever you got that from doesn't have a very functional space bar.

[henpecked]

copied and pasted without correction........wheres the grammar nazi?

[TFOGGER]

copied and pasted without correction........wheres the grammar nazi?

[sellersm]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,

"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,

but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $250,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV,

but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me if I could even find a hot 23-year-old girl who'd want me,

she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,

sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

[missionxo]

A guy and his new wife walks into a Hotel and asks for the honeymoon suite. The guy at the front desk takes care of them and they are on their way up to the room. No more than 10 minutes later the guy comes down wearing fishing waders, fishing vest and a pole. The guy at the front desk stops him "hey its your honeymoon you should be up there getting busy!!" ......."Well I would love to but my wife has Gonorrhea" ...Wow!! " Well what about a blow Job?? ........"That would be awesome but she also has Pyorrhea"........."Holy Shit..Well at least you could get her in the ass"........" Yea well she suffers from chronic Diarrhea" Good God!!!!!!!!!! " Gonorrhea?? Pyorrhea and Diarrhea???? Excuse me for asking this but why the HELL did you marry her?? .........Well she also has worms and I LOVE to fish!!!!

[GilpinGuy]

In 1202 A.D. Muslims invented the first condom by using the last few inches of a goat's intestine.

By 1487 A.D. the British started removing it from the goat it first.

[sellersm]

Got this in an email today:

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women


And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for a new .22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

​

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

[10mm-man]

From my son, (Dad put this on the forum):

How do you make a tissue dance???






















Put a little boogie in it..........

[Rucker61]

Funny regardless... terrible, but funny!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey...