Joke of the Day

[BladesNBarrels]

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”

This is how politics works.

[BladesNBarrels]

There was a Texas oil tycoon who was watching his largest oil well going up in flames.
He called in the best fire fighting equipment money could buy but there was no way they could get close enough to the intense flames to reach them with their water hose.
Finally, out of desperation, he called the local volunteer fire department. They chugged up in their 1946 truck and passed every one of the state of the art rigs and headed toward the center of the fire. They stopped, jumped out, sprayed each other down with water, and then proceeded to put out the fire.
When they were finally finished, the millionaire was so impressed with the crew's dedication and bravery, he awarded the chief with a check for $10,000.
Later, a reporter asked the chief what he was going to do with the money.
The chief replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix those lousy brakes!!"

[BladesNBarrels]

An older lady gets pulled over for going 70mph in a 35mph zone ...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was going 70 in a 35, too.

[Duman]

Unless you are in Minneapolis, blonde, wearing pajamas in which case you would have been shot

[davsel]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off. An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom." She didn't jump.

[flogger]

In response to the Taurus 'Judge' and Smith & Wessons 'Governor', Ruger is coming out with a new handgun called 'The Congressman', only it doesn't work and you can't fire it.

[BladesNBarrels]

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!'

[BPTactical]

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?













































































































































































You look for the fresh prints

[SideShow Bob]

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?













































































































































































You look for the fresh prints

[BladesNBarrels]

A man appears before St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. "Have you done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

The man did not hesitate to say "Absolutely, on a trip near Reno I met a group of bikers who were threatening a lady. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. I walked up to the biggest, meanest-looking biker and kicked his bike over before punching him in the face and kicking him hard in the shin. I yelled 'Now back off or I'll beat the tar out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."